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Breaking: Malort Revealed to Be Alien Rocket Fuel

CHICAGO - Jeppson’s Malort, the infamous liqueur that’s been a Chicago tradition since the 1930s, has been found to actually be an advanced alien technology that space travelers use to power intergalactic vehicles capable of reaching the far corners of the universe. “I knew it,” said local party animal Lauren Reilly, of downtown Chicago. “I swore I said something along those lines last week after my third shot of Malort. It tastes exactly like alien rocket fuel. I also probably said it the first time I tried it, the day I turned 21, and every time I've had it since” she said. An informal poll of about three dozen locals across four Chicago-area dive bars yielded a strikingly unified, though decidedly uncoordinated response: "Yeah? That's always what we assumed it was." Indeed, to a person, every single individual contacted for this story shared zero surprise at the news and also did not hesitate to order another round of shots.


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