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Chicago ‘Man’ Suspiciously Gray and Bulbous-Headed

CHICAGO - Dozens of witnesses have reported an individual identifying as “a local confirmed human of Earth” around the 800 block of North Michigan Avenue downtown this week. According to reports, the individual is under 5 feet tall, has grayish translucent skin, comically large eyes, and what’s been described as “an enormous head.” Reporters caught up with the individual creeping out patrons and workers downtown, but he avoided questioning and disappeared into a side door at John Hancock Tower shouting, “I am a local confirmed human of Earth, I repeat, I am a confirmed human of this planet.” The tiny line where his mouth should be did not appear to move, despite all the shouting. The individual hasn’t been seen again, but locals are encouraged to stay vigilant in the area, particularly around the John Hancock Tower.


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