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Portland ‘Man’ Suspiciously Gray and Bulbous-Headed

PORTLAND, ORE. - Dozens of witnesses have reported an individual identifying as “a local confirmed human of Earth” this week around the 700 block of SW Yamhill St. downtown. According to reports, the individual has grayish translucent skin, comically large eyes, and what’s been described as “an enormous head.” Reporters caught up with the "person" creeping out patrons and workers downtown, but he avoided questioning and disappeared into a side door at Fox Tower, shouting, “I am a local confirmed human of Earth! I repeat, I am a verifiable human from this very planet!” The tiny line where his mouth should be did not appear to move, despite all the shouting. The individual hasn’t been seen again, but locals are encouraged to stay vigilant in the area, particularly around Fox Tower.

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